Hens Night Out

We all want Fiona’s hens night to be a glorious success. Trouble is the strippers cancelled, something about a cold,all of them? The restaurant closed,health regulations,and our favourite club shut due to a shooting,can you imagine? I was really stuck two hours before the girls turn up for a great hens night out. So,I dial my friend Mitch.

Mitch’s gay,a great bloke and,creative.‘No prob’lo’mo,leave it to me,organised.’ The bride is Fiona,bridesmaid Emily. Fiona is a sweet girl,bit shy with a gentle way about her. I’m Bailey,Matron of Honour and Adriana,well,she’s foreign,and there is Anna.We all look very glamorous,decked out and with nowhere to go.

The phone rings,‘hi,Mitch.’ A high­pitched giggle, ‘look out the window,darl,what do you see?’ A silver stretch limo parked at the curb,‘that for us?’ I purr. ‘Yep,have fun,my sweet. The driver’s name is Dave,go,be brave and play.’ We troop down the path,a little unsteady already wobbly on our stilettos from pre­party drinkies and here is this beautiful man waiting.

Decked out in a tuxedo and cap,a gorgeous bloke, seated in the car.‘Ladies,let me get the door.’ As he eases out from behind the wheel I see he has only a g­string for trousers,and let me tell you, doesn’t leave much to the imagination,with rounded neatly packaged butt,muscular thighs, tanned with a touch of mascara and a strong male musky odour. He lifts his cap.

‘The bar is fully stocked,ladies.We’re on our way soon as you’re settled.’Tumbling in we giggle and oooh and aahh. Dave guns the engine,pushes back a little window that separates us.‘Trust me ladies,fun coming,won’t be too long,help yourself to cock­tails – spirits,champagne,your choice.’ With a wink and a squeal of burning rubber,we roar off down the road.

I hope the gossip in Number four is getting an eyeful. We are driven away in a silver limo for God’s sake with Mis­Teeq thrashing out really loud – Scandalous – you got me going crazy, ha ha!

Soon we’re over in Darlinghurst,outside a row of terraces,double­parked.‘One minute luvvies,boy, have I a surprise for you.’ Dave jumps out,wiggles his butt and swans his way up to a semi on Stanley Street,his tight arse swinging most provocatively.

Fiona is blushing bright scarlet,laughing though, ‘what? Bailey,what’s this? What’s happening?’ Adriana pours champagne,she and Fiona clink glasses,‘here’s to having fun.’ Their eyes meet and break away,as if almost embarrassed.

The limo door sweeps open to a big man,tall with hairy chest and rippling muscles wearing a black leather mask,dog collar and studs,strips of black with silver buckles,squashed into tight leather shorts,and he carries a whip;a cat o’ nine tails.

Adriana faints (well,she pretends to) and Anna whispers,‘o my Gawd I’ve just peed myself.’ I pour myself another large drink,a very large one.

Dave makes the introductions.‘This is Ramrod, folks – a few rules,you are not to touch Ramrod,he is not to touch you,he is not to touch himself, understood? If he doesn’t behave,if he touches one of you or he touches himself’ (takes the whip from Ramrod and slaps his palm hard) ‘he is to be punished.’ Anna is moaning ‘oh dear,he is so big.’ Fiona just stares and hiccups uncontrollably.

Emily is giggling. She and Anna squabble. ‘I want to touch him.’ ‘Don’t.’ ‘Ooh I do,I do. I just want to.’ ‘Better not,’ says Emily. Missy Elliott pumps up the beat,before I fly like a bird, howls Ludacris.

Ramrod sits quietly saying nothing,in the middle of our women’s squeals. It is not long before his hand strays to his cock. Fiona squeaks ‘you are not to,’ she smiles,‘you are not supposed to,you shouldn’t,you know.’ He shrugs ‘getting a little tight.’ Driver Dave screeches the limo to a halt, stopping on the approach to the Anzac Bridge and climbs out,politely opening the door to Ramrod.

‘Bride­to­be has to punish you,you are a bad boy,a very bad boy’ and pulls Ramrod out of the car and straddles him across the bonnet ‘come on Fiona,’ handing her the whip.

Fiona gives him a little tap. We are all out of the car and shrieking.‘Stop.Stop! Oh,whip him some more,’ and she does. Harder this time, thwack!

– and we,like,screech ‘get back in the limo now’ only to stop minutes later.‘Guess who is a bad bad boy? ‘Ramrod,’ we shout in chorus and we get out to whip him.

Ramrod has a goofy grin and dimples. Ya gotta like him. Dave passes thick joints through the little window and the car fills with the sweet smoke, sweat and stale spilt champagne. Passing joints,we stop again. Ramrod pulls at his shorts,we clamour out. Ramrod is thrust against the limo hood and we take turns beating him.

He grunts,‘Mmm,sorry,’ his lower lip thrust out.

We just laugh,‘not good enough,’ we shout.

Without warning Fiona starts sobbing and runs back to the car. She gulps,splutters something babbly about her brother I didn’t quite catch. She’s had some sort of memory flashback. She leans out of the limo and vomits.

A flashy car goes past,loud music blaring,hoons who suddenly reverse,tyres screeching.‘Poofs,what the fuck are ya fuckin’ queers,ya fuckin’ homos or what,we should sort you lot out,ya pack of poofters ...’Thankfully they drive off giving us the finger as we get meekly back into the car murmuring,‘fucking,bloody straights!‘ Fiona is in tears,‘how could I find all this sexy a minute ago? I remember red welts across my brother’s back,swollen buckle cuts into his flesh and him bleeding and Dad just standing there with a satisfied smirk holding his belt and I’d forgotten it,how could I just forget ....

Adriana is comforting her,and Fiona accepts a hanky and shoulder to cry on.Emily is crying too.

I pour myself another drink. I admit my hands are shaking.Anna has passed out snoring. Adriana keeps her arm around Fiona. We drive off and pass a bottle shop,collect more supplies but the mood has changed,the atmosphere now subdued.

We park overlooking the harbour,sit quietly, drinking and smoking. Adriana and Fiona whisper together. I feel left out. She is telling Fiona,‘in my village when the soldiers came,they raped my mother,the men of the village punished her for having sex with the strangers even though it was rape,you know,they flogged her. One hundred lashes. The bastards.’ Dave joins us on the bench,he is laughing. ‘I saved this joint for a special occasion,’ producing a fat cigar spliff. He seems not to have noticed how the vibe has altered.

Ramrod leans over to Dave and kisses him. ‘I’m horny as hell and I’m not gunna take it anymore – my turn’ and grabs the whip. He drags Dave over on to the car and begins to lash him with steady strokes and giggles.

‘No,No’ simpers Dave,producing a leash he clips to Ramrod’s collar ‘you are coming home with me,you naughty man’ and pulls him round to the front seat. ‘Sorry ladies,party’s over,this boy needs harsh reprimanding,we can take you back now if you’re ready. You’ve had a good time,eh?’ I feel woozy,very suddenly;booze hits you like that,all of a sudden. I am glad to be going home.

‘Thanks Dave,go home,now is a good idea.’ Fiona asks to be dropped at Adriana’s,‘we’ve a lot we need to discuss’ and suddenly Adriana kisses Fiona,the bride­to­be,like you know,the bride,on the lips!

Emily is shocked and starts crying again. Anna has woken,asks ‘hey,what did I miss?’ Looking over at Adriana and Fiona in puzzlement. ‘What’s happened?’ ‘Our bride has just been kissed by Adriana,’ I tell her.

‘Oops’ says Anna.

Adriana holds Fiona’s hand firmly;they smile at each other,grinning with pleasure.

‘Does this mean I don’t get to be a bridesmaid?’ sobs Emily.

‘Well my dear these days,things changing so fast, you never know.’ We girls are spirited home. Not much the wiser for what just happened.

Some hens night,thanks Mitch – a very odd hens night out to end all he’s ever hatched before ...

The wedding was off. Fiona and Adriana have a kid now,a little boy. I couldn’t believe it,didn’t think Fiona would go bat for the other side. Some things,just can’t predict,eh? Who’d have thought it?